Sadie’s Dad Joke of the Day

Tuesday May 24

What happens when a calculator gets faster? I don’t know either but it adds up quickly.

Monday May 23

What’s a pizzas’ favorite song? Another one bites the crust!

Friday May 20

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet? It’s pasteurized before you see it….

Thursday May 19

Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

Wednesday May 18

What do you call a playlist designed for a hike? Trail mix!

Tuesday May 17

Never get a tuxedo made out of playing cards. It’ll never suit you.

Monday May 16

I tell ya, hiring that ghost was the best decision I’ve made in a while… Not only does he prefer to work the graveyard shift, but he’s sure got spirit, too. I knew he was the right fit the moment he walked through the door!

Friday the 13th!

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

Thursday May 12

Where do dads store their dad jokes? In the dad-a-base.

Wednesday May 11

People think being a waiter isn’t a respectable job. But, hey, it puts food on the table.

Tuesday May 10

I was late for work today, and my boss yelled “Hey, you should have been here at 8:30!” I said “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

Monday May 9

85% of Americans don’t know how to do basic math. Thank god I’m part of the other 25%.

Friday May 6

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge piece of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Thursday May 5

When I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof, I was shocked!

Wednesday May 4

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight? Sir Render.

Tuesday May 3

My husband says I’m cheap… but I’m not buying it.

Monday May 2

Some women think a man in camouflage is sexy. I just don’t see it.

Friday April 29

I’ve been feeling down lately. My friend told me “Cheer up! It could always be worse- you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know she means well.

Thursday April 28

Unfortunately, my obese parrot died. I’m sad, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

Wednesday April 27

What word starts with an E, ends with an E, but only has one letter in it? Envelope.

Tuesday April 26

What do you call a zombie who writes music? A decomposer.

Monday April 25

My boss asked me why I’m only sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Friday April 22

My husband asked why I wanted to be cremated. I told him it’s my last chance to have a smoking hot body.

Thursday April 21

Just so everyone is clear… I’m going to put my glasses on…

Wednesday April 20

Last night, I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

Tuesday April 19

How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps? You slowly get over it.

Monday April 18

What did the carpenter say when he finally finished building his house? Nailed it!

Friday April 15

I lost 3 fingers on my right hand in an accident. I asked the doctor if I’d still be able to write. He said “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Thursday April 14

When I was in school, I failed math class so many times, I can’t even count!Wednesday April 13

Wednesday April 13

I told my husband he needed to start embracing his mistakes. So he hugged 2 of our 3 children.

Tuesday April 12

My husband started an argument with me in an elevator today. He was wrong on so many levels…

Monday April 11

My boss nicknamed me the computer… it has nothing to do with my intelligence. I go to sleep if I’m left unattended for 15 minutes…

Friday April 8

I always keep my guitar in the car… it’s good for traffic jams.

Thursday April 7

A friend of mine collects blunt pencils. Personally, I find his hobby pointless.

Wednesday April 6

I’ve got a broken guitar for sale. No strings attached.

Tuesday April 5

My friends and I started a band and we’re calling it ‘Books”… that way no one can judge us by our covers.

Monday April 4

I don’t get why bakers aren’t wealthier. They make so much dough.

Wednesday March 30

What do you call a typo on a tombstone? A grave mistake.

Tuesday March 29

You think gas prices are expensive, you should see chimneys! They’re through the roof!

Monday March 28

What happens when you put your hand in a blender? You get a handshake.

Friday March 25

Don’t worry about your TV or smartphone spying on you. Your vacuum’s been gathering dirt on you for years.

Thursday March 24

What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An eyesaur.

Wednesday March 23

Do you know what the bald man said to his hair? I don’t know, but they had a real falling out.

Tuesday March 22

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meet Patty!

Monday March 21

What does idk stand for? I’ve asked a lot of people and nobody seems to know!

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

St. Patrick’s Day ☘️

• How can you tell if a leprechaun likes your joke? He’s Dublin over with laughter!
• What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture.

Wednesday March 16

I never thought orthopedic shoes would work for me. I stand corrected.

Tuesday March 15

Before the crowbar was invented, crows just drank at home.

Monday March 14

Yesterday I ate a clock. It was time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

Friday March 11

I had a hen that could count her own eggs. She was a mathmachicken.

Thursday March 10

Where does Sir Lancelot like to party? A knight club.

Wednesday March 9

Last night, my husband traumatically ripped the blanket off of me. It was rough, but I will recover.

Tuesday March 8

Once upon a time, there was a king that was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king but he made a great ruler!

Monday March 7

Why are hairdressers never late for work? Because they know all the shortcuts!

Friday March 4

I married my husband for his looks… just not the ones he’s giving me these days!

Thursday March 3

I have the attention of a goldfish… seriously, it’s been watching me for hours!

Wednesday March 2

Why aren’t koalas actually bears? They don’t meet the koalafications.

Tuesday March 1

So, I heard that Chameleons are supposed to blend well. But, I think it ruined my smoothie this morning.

Monday February 28

My husband and I joke about how competitive we are… But I laugh more!

Friday February 25

Do you know why Cinderella got kicked off the girls’ soccer team? She kept running away from the ball!

Thursday February 24

Egyptians claim they have no crocodiles in their country. I think they’re in De Nile.

Wednesday February 23

Why couldn’t the family leave the room after playing with Legos? They were blocked.

Tuesday February 22

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide.

Monday February 21

Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.

Friday February 18

What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

Thursday February 17

At one time, I tried to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Wednesday February 16

So, I had a job working at Starbucks, but I had to quit. Every day, it was just the same old grind.

Tuesday February 15

My best friend just started her career in archeology. Now her life is in ruins.

Monday February 14

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barber-queue.

Friday February 11

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.

Thursday February 10

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can’t jump.

Wednesday February 9

What do you call a cat in a station wagon? A car-pet.

Tuesday February 8

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?  To get to the other slide.

Monday February 7

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Friday February 4

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

Thursday February 3

Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed.

Wednesday February 2

Why is the grass so dangerous? It’s full of blades.

Tuesday February 1

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

Monday January 31

My cloning experiments finally paid off. I’m so excited, I’m beside myself.

Friday January 28

Why did the taxi driver get fired? Passengers didn’t like it when he went the extra mile.

Thursday January 27

Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.

Wednesday January 26

I hate my job—all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing

Tuesday January 25

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

Monday January 24

When the cows go out, where do they go? To the mooooo-vies!

Friday January 21

My job as a concrete worker keeps getting harder and harder.

Thursday January 20

Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!

Wednesday January 19

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife? Nothing, he was gladiator.

Tuesday January 18

The person that stole my diary just died. Now, my thoughts are with her family.

Friday January 14

Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? Because he couldn’t see himself doing it.

Thursday January 13

I was an electrician for a while, but I found the work to be shocking and revolting so finally they discharged me.

Wednesday January 12

So I became a personal trainer at a gym, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Tuesday January 11

I took up origami for a while. But I couldn’t stand the paperwork.

Monday January 10

I tried to become a velcro salesman once, but I just couldn’t stick to it.

Friday January 7

Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve? Waiting for the punchline.

Thursday January 6

An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve. One was charged and the other was let off.

Wednesday January 5

What is a New Year’s resolution? Something that goes in one year and out the other.

Tuesday January 4

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year’s resolution to lose 10 pounds … Only 15 more to go!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Monday January 3, 2022

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. But I’ll wait until tomorrow to start.

Thursday December 30

What does a house wear? Address

Wednesday December 29

Did you hear that the local makeup shop collapsed? Apparently, it didn’t have a good foundation.

Tuesday December 28

What coat did the house wear? A coat of paint.

Thursday December 23

How does Christmas Day end? With the letter Y!

Wednesday December 22

Just a reminder this year that Walmart’s gonna be closed on Christmas Day to give both of it’s cashiers time off with their families!

Tuesday December 21

Who is never hungry at Christmas? The turkey—he’s always stuffed.

Monday December 20

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar? He got 25 days.

Friday December 17

A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee. The doctor asked him. “Have you tried icing it?”

Thursday December 16

What does Santa spend his hard-earned salary on? Jingle bills.

Wednesday December 15

What brand of motorcycle does Santa ride? Holly Davidson.

Tuesday December 14

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

Monday December 13

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

Friday December 10

What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack.

Thursday December 9

Why is Santa afraid of getting stuck in a chimney? He has Claus-trophobia.

Wednesday December 8

Why don’t you ever see Santa in a hospital? Because he has private elf care.

Tuesday December 7

How do you wash your hands over the holiday? With Santatizer

Monday December 6

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

Friday December 3

I recently found out that my surgeon is also a part-time stand-up comedian. He had me in stitches!

Thursday December 2

Why does the naked man’s phone never work? No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Wednesday December 1

What does “Rockin’ Robin” do when she’s bored? Tweet.

Tuesday November 30

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead!

Monday November 29

So did you know the first french fry was not cooked in France? It was cooked in Greece!

BONUS: Thanksgiving and Black Friday

What’s the best song to play while cooking a turkey? All about that baste.

It’s Black Friday, and I just got an iPhone 13 for my husband. I thought it was a good trade.

Wednesday November 24

So recently I heard that the CEO of Ikea was elected the president of Sweden. And I hear he’s still assembling his cabinet.

Tuesday November 23

Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.

Monday November 22

What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!

Friday November 19

How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch

Thursday November 18

Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.

Wednesday November 17

I just spent $100 on a belt that doesn’t fit. It was a ‘Huge Waist.’

Tuesday November 16

My husband asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up

Monday November 15

What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.

Friday November 12- Sadie’s Birthday

How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish the moment.

Thursday November 11- Veterans Day

What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.

Wednesday November 10

My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

Tuesday November 9

I’ve burned 200 calories today. I left my food in the oven for too long.

Monday November 8

So, did you realize that towels are the leading cause of dry skin?

Friday November 5

Do you know how computers get drunk? They take screenshots.

Thursday November 4

What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? “Let’s try a different angle.”

Wednesday November 3

Why was John Travolta in bed on Sunday? He had a Saturday Night Fever.

Tuesday November 2

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling.

Monday November 1

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

Friday October 29 Halloween Edition #2

What does a ghost panda eat? Bam-BOO.

Why would the skeleton NOT cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.

Thursday October 28 Halloween Edition #1

What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist bill? You get repossessed.

What do you call two witches that live together under the same roof? Broom-mates.

Wednesday October 27

Have you ever tried to catch the fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

Tuesday October 26

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

Monday October 25

Why did the stick of gum quit its job? It got tired of being chewed out.

Friday October 22

Do you know why I always figured frogs tasted like beer? Because there’s a lot of hops in them.

Thursday October 21

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

Wednesday October 20

How do ghosts gain muscle? They do deadlifts.

Tuesday October 19

Did you hear about the ATM that got addicted to money? It suffered from withdrawals.

Monday October 18

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

Friday October 15

Why do plants hate math? Because it gives them square roots.

Thursday October 14

A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!

Wednesday October 13

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work

Tuesday October 12

Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup

Monday October 11

What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?

Friday October 8

What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem? Let’s try a different angle.

Thursday October 7

What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.

Wednesday October 6

Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.

Tuesday October 5

Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library? It was all booked up.

Monday October 4

I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.

Friday October 1

Do you know why it’s cheaper to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring the BOOS!

Thursday September 30

Why are skeletons so calm?  Because nothing gets under their skin.

Wednesday September 29

How do you deal with a sad astronaut? Just give them space.

Tuesday September 28

Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

Monday September 27

You know what I can’t deal with? A deck of cards glued together.

Friday September 24

I tripped over my bra this morning? I think it was a booby trap.

Thursday September 23

So, today I’ve discovered that if you have a canoe and you flip it over, you can wear it as a hat. You know why? Well, because it’s ‘cap-sized’

Wednesday September 22

Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.

Tuesday September 21

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. But now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Monday September 20

So, my mom just called me and told me that my dad fell into the upholstery machine at work. But don’t worry, he’s fully recovered.

Friday September 17

Do you know how you get into firefighter school? Stop, drop, and enroll.

Thursday September 16

Do you know why you shouldn’t write with a broken pencil? ‘Cause it’s pointless!

Wednesday September 15

What state has the smallest drink? Minnesota

Tuesday September 14

Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.

Monday September 13

Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.

Friday September 10

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

Thursday September 9

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!

Wednesday September 8

Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.

Tuesday September 7

So last night, I read a book on how to end sentences with Beatles song titles. And that’s two hours of my life I’ll never GET BACK.

Friday September 3

Why should you never wear glasses while playing football? Because it’s a contact sport.

Thursday September 2

What does Darth Vader Exhale? Carbon Dark Side.

Wednesday September 1

If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?

Tuesday August 31

What’s the longest word in the English language? Smiles. The first and last letters are a mile apart.

Monday August 30

How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?” “Nothing, it’s on the house.

Friday August 27

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

Thursday August 26

What do you call a boat that’s driven by intelligent people? A scholarship.

Wednesday August 25

Sundays are always a little sad, but the day before is a sadder day.

Tuesday August 24

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!

Monday August 23

What’s a cow’s favorite dessert? Cattle corn.

Friday August 20

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Thursday August 19

Do you know why I want to get my spine removed? I think it’s the only thing holding me back.

Wednesday August 18

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

Tuesday August 17

Did you hear about the rival bankers? There was a conflict of interest.

Monday August 16

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.

Thursday August 12

When a killer whale needs braces, who does he see? The orca-dontist.

Wednesday August 11

So I was thinking the other day, if you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?

Tuesday August 10

What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

Monday August 9

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

Friday August 6

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

Thursday August 5

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why? Inflation.

Wednesday August 4

What has more letters than the alphabet?” “The post office!

Tuesday August 3

What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

Monday August 2

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

Friday July 30

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? St. Nickel-less.

Thursday July 29

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

Wednesday July 28

Why did the sword-swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy day.

Tuesday July 27

What do you call a vampire in the mafia? A FANG-ster!

Monday July 26

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

Friday July 23

My husband said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Thursday July 22

My husband said I was immature. So I told him to get out of my fort.

Wednesday July 21

What did the police officer say to his belly-button? You’re under a vest!

Tuesday July 20

Hey folks, I need your help. I’m looking to re-home a small Terrier dog. It’s a really nice dog. The only problem with it is it tends to bark a lot. So, if you can help me out, if you’re interested, just let me know and I’ll jump across my neighbor’s fence and get it for you.

Monday July 19

Want to hear a joke about construction? Maybe later… I’m still working on it.

Friday July 16

What does a lemon say when it answers the phone? Yellow!

Thursday July 15

There are a lot of things that come naturally to a lot of people … what comes naturally to me is sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

Wednesday July 14

What made the tomato blush? He saw the salad dressing!

Tuesday July 13

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!

Monday July 12

So you know why dinosaurs can’t clap their hands? ‘Cause they’re dead!

Friday July 9

Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.

Thursday July 8

How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor

Wednesday July 7

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one!

Tuesday July 6

Where do cows go on their first date? To the ‘Mooooo-vies!

Friday July 2

What did one American flag tell the other? Nothing. It just waved.

Thursday July 1

So here’s a little known fact about me. I worship grocery bags. It’s true. Although some people say I’m ‘Sack-religious.’

Wednesday June 30

My son came up and said, ‘mom, did you get a haircut?’ I said, ‘Naw, got ’em all cut.’

Tuesday June 29

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary.

Monday June 28

What did one hat say to the other? Stay here! I’m going on ahead.

Friday June 25

What do you call a group of giggling cows? A laughing stock.  *Thanks to Alec Eaton via Facebook for today’s joke!

Thursday June 24

You know, singing in the shower is pretty fun, until you get soap in your mouth. And then it’s a soap opera!

Wednesday June 23

Hey guys, it’s raining cats and dogs outside. So be sure not to step in a Poodle!

Tuesday June 22

So I told my husband I was thinking about buying him a nice set of tools for our anniversary. And he said nothing would make him happier. So that’s what I’m getting him…  nothing.

Monday June 21

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

Friday June 18

What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?  Any breed of dog. Skyscrapers can’t jump.

Thursday June 17

Hey, so do you know what you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court? A Net!

Wednesday June 16

My daughter is a Biology major… She was getting ready to graduate and she wanted to do her thesis on burrowing rodents. So I told her to gopher it.

Tuesday June 15

Currently, I’m reading a book called ‘Quick Money for Dummies.’ It’s written by a guy named Robin Banks.

Monday June 14

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Friday June 11

How come we tell actors to break a leg before they go on stage? Because every play needs a good cast.

Thursday June 10

What did the nose say to the finger? Quit picking on me.

Wednesday June 9

What kind of key opens up a banana? A monkey.

Tuesday June 8

Did I tell you that I once worked at a calendar factory? I got fired because I took a couple days off.

Monday June 7

I just talked to my dad and you know what he told me? He said, ‘Hey, I got a dad bod’. I said, ‘Nope, more like a father figure!

Friday June 4

My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punchline.

Thursday June 3

What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forrest1

Wednesday June 2

What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!

Tuesday June 1

Did you know that the fattest knight in King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference?

Friday May 28

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica. It is $3.00 in the Bahamas. Guys, these are the ‘Pie-Rates’ of the Caribbean!

Thursday May 27

Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.

Wednesday May 26

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

Tuesday May 25

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

Monday May 24

What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Friday May 21

Did you know the first French fries were not actually cooked in France? They were cooked in grease!

Thursday May 20

The guy that invented the umbrella actually wanted to call it ‘Brella’, but he hesitated

Wednesday May 19

So, some of you may have heard about these murder hornets being found in the U.S. But, I gotta tell you, don’t worry, the police have been contacted. They’ve called in the SWAT team to set up a sting operation.

Tuesday May 18

What did the baby corn ask mama corn? Where’s Pop corn

Friday May 14

What did the duck say when it bought Chapstick? Put it on my bill!

Thursday May 13

So, I got into an argument with my yoga instructor. She walked out mid-lesson. It left me in a pretty awkward position.

Wednesday May 12

My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant. He smelled funny the whole day.

Tuesday May 11

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why (y)… 

Monday May 10

I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean!

Friday May 7

Did you hear about the actor, who fell through the floorboards? He’s fine. He was just going through a stage.

Thursday May 6

How do you count cows? With a cowculator.

Wednesday May 5- Cinco De Mayo

You can’t use puns with kleptomaniacs… they always take stuff literally.

Tuesday May the 4th Be With You (Star Wars Day)

If a child refuses to take a nap, is that ‘Resisting A Rest?

Monday May 3

At work today a guy asked me, what’s a forklift? So I told him usually food up to your mouth.

Friday April 30

I lost my job at the bank the very first day! A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Thursday April 29

My boss told me to have a great day… so I went home!

Wednesday April 28

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? ‘Cause he was a little horse!

Tuesday April 27

Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Monday April 26

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Friday April 23

Hey, so you know why the Invisible Man turned down the job? He just couldn’t see himself doing it!

Thursday April 22

What do you call a hot dog on wheels? Fast food!

Wednesday April 21

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? “Cool ranch!!”

Tuesday April 20

Yesterday I was at a bookstore and I saw a book titled, ‘How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems’. So I bought two!”

Monday April 19

Why do bees have sticky hair? Cause they use honeycombs!

Friday April 16

So I just saw a car being driven by a young sheep in a swimming suit. It was a ‘Lamb-bikini’

Thursday April 15

Some people pick their noses, but I was born with mine.

Wednesday April 14

I just sold my vacuum cleaner! It was just gathering dust.

Tuesday April 13

Apparently, when someone asks you who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own! Who knew?

Monday April 12

How do lawyers say goodbye? I’ll be suing ya!

Friday April 9

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are ‘weak-days’

Thursday April 8

How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of  fans!

Wednesday April 7

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold!

Tuesday April 6- submitted by Diane Hughes on Facebook

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. 

Monday April 5

I named my printer Bob Marley. Why you ask? Because it always be jammin’ mon!

Good Friday

Why are elevator jokes so good? Because they work on so many levels!

Thursday April 1

What did the fisherman say to the magician? ‘Pick a cod, any cod

Wednesday March 31

What’s the best smelling insect? A deodor-ant

Tuesday March 30

Why did Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle!

Friday March 26

What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay?

Thursday March 25

Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe

Wednesday March 24

What time did the man go to the dentist? ‘Tooth-Hurty!

Tuesday March 23

Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.

Monday March 22

What do you call a man who cannot not stand? ‘Kneel

Friday March 19

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little whine!”

Thursday March 18

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay; he finally woke up!

St. Patrick’s Day

Why should you never hold a four-leaf clover too tightly? You don’t want to press your luck.

Bonus Irish dad joke: Hey, did you hear about the Irishman who loves to bounce off walls? His name’s Rick O’Shay!

Tuesday March 16

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

Monday March 15

What does a zombie vegetarian eat? BRAINS! BRAINS!

Friday March 12

Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colors? He had ‘a reptile’ dysfunction!

Thursday March 11

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.

Wednesday March 10

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s cheesy!

Tuesday March 9

So I read in the news the other day that some guy is suing Canada Dry for having no ginger in their ginger ale product. So, I’m announcing my plans to sue Panda Express.

Monday March 8

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled Milk!

Friday March 5

Did y’all hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

Thursday March 4

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me

Wednesday March 3

What do you call a donkey with only three legs? A wonkey!

Tuesday March 2

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.

Monday March 1

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the No-Bell prize!

Friday February 26

My husband came in the other day and told me the car was making horrible noise. And so I said, ‘Well, have you tried removing the Nickelback CD from the player?

Tuesday February 25

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They crack each other up.

Wednesday February 24

How do you get a squirrel to like you? You act like a nut!

Tuesday February 23

What kind of music do planets like? Nep-tunes

Monday February 22

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

Friday February 19

What do you call an alligator detective? An ‘investi-gator’

Thursday February 18

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Wednesday February 17

How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.

Tuesday February 16

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!

Monday February 15

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, it was a soft drink.

Friday February 12:

Why did the man name his dogs Timex and Rolex? They were watchdogs!

Thursday February 11:

Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in the store? Aisle B, back.

Wednesday February 10:

I was gonna tell you a joke about paper… but it’s tearable…

Tuesday February 9:

I tried calling the Tinnitus helpline today, but there was no answer. It just kept ringing.

Monday February 8:

You’ve heard of Murphy’s Law- everything that CAN go wrong WILL go wrong. But have you ever heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.